Halloween guide to not looking like an idiot in 2015
By KARA CRABB
There’s a common misconception that Halloween is a judgment-free holiday, largely due to its slutty animals and hyper realistic gore. In truth, Halloween is the one time of the year people feel unencumbered to express the deepest parts of their souls despite how boring or genuinely creepy they might be. Amongst the most unwarranted ocular invasions, here are universal don’ts of Halloween 2015.
Congratulations pun lovers, you’ve committed to being a bad joke for the rest of the night. Absolutely no one gets excited about a pun. Cereal killer? Killer bee? Have fun watching people walk away from you after you’ve explained your convoluted costume for two nightmare-seconds. Was it really worth that smarmy laughter you wanted so desperately? The sooner you admit that it wasn’t, the sooner we can move on to president masks or the next thing you thought was sooooo clever.
Even if you’re getting plugged by the hottest guy in the world there’s nothing that can save this costume from making everyone in the room want to vomit and die in their own vomit. Look at these people. I shudder to think about their actual sex lives, which I’m forced to keep thinking about, because they’re actively symbolizing it in front of my face. At the very least, the socket could have a “reset” button or an accurate rendering of a human vagina. We get it: you’re fucking.
Dressing up as a salient pop star on Halloween is like eating McDonald’s when you’re not blackout wasted. It’s food but it’s not really food. It’s more of a brain-dead blip than an actual decision. “Low-hanging fruit,” one might say. If we were to recreate the personal style of (insert pop star’s name here) on any other day besides Halloween, we would realize how mind-numbingly easy it is to stand out when you look like a gold-plated alien. It’s admirable that these people have made entire careers out of wearing silly costumes, but on Halloween the shtick sort of deflates into a tenor of normalcy not even drag queens can salvage. Steer clear of the cliché or be a lackluster mutant.
This is the 2015 equivalent of wearing a bed sheet with holes cut out of it, except now we’ve moved on from the actual bed to disturbingly comfortable sleepwear. It’s pajamas, guys. We all know it’s pajamas. The zip-up fleece onesie might have a picture of eyeballs on the hood or a rainbow coming out of it’s ass, but that doesn’t mean it automatically constitutes as a costume. It’s difficult to explain why but it’s easy to understand if you live in North America. We’ve seen them all at malls, in boutiques, all year round, as pajamas. If you try to pass this off as a costume you’re sending a message out to the world that you’re unimaginative and lazy or fourteen. Alternatively if that’s what you’re going for, enjoy blocking to repressed pedophiles and blocking furverts from Instagram. You might as well just go as “yourself.”
Obviously no one should wear this. As everyone with common sense will point out, it’s incredibly offensive and marginalizing to the most segregated ethnicities in North America. Let’s all take a second to look at these models and cringe in utter disbelief. This costume can’t even be good in an ironic sense, which is unfortunate because there’s so many for sale in party stores right now. Just think about all of those non-biodegradable headdresses continuing to be manufactured. It’s as if we’ve time-travelled back to an age when the issue of murdered native women wasn’t an international human rights concern—like back to the beginning of this year. (Believe it or not it wasn’t until March of 2015 before the United Nations called the government out on its shit.) Oh well, apparently these things take time; at least we have these Buzz Feed videos to scratch our heads about. Cultural appropriation can be confusing admittedly, but not even real Native Americans would touch these Halloween costumes.